I matters when I write!!

I have been writing my blog for a while now… and as vain as it may sound… I love my own work!! Just concluded that my blog is my reflection of the EACH PHASE of my life, that which is important to me and that which I want to look back at and truly feel the shift in BEING!!

I understand that I have to cater to my readers… the BIG PICTURE is that my reader that I so want to hold on to for the rest of my writing years is ME… and I ask myself… How much of my blog will I go back and read… 2 years from now??? And as clearly as the question gets framed… the answer is revealed…

“for as long as my blog reflect a biography of sorts… I will read through it for as long as I live… and when I am gone I will leave back a memory of a life well …Lived!!”

As I spoke with Hormaz this morning, I felt the power of thoughts and the “eureka” of this phase I am going through, reveal the lesson… Btw… Hormaz is one of my closest friends ever, I’ve never met him. We bonded from conversation ONE and today… some of the most wonderful spiritual experiences of my life have come in conversation with him. I guess I could describe him as my SPIRITUAL SOULMATE!!! Thank you Hormaz for being around always… and bringing a smile to my thoughts!!

I realise how I’ve orchestrated all the “blocks” in my path with thoughts that are thought so often that they manage to become speedbreakers… as I wonder WHY WHY WHY alone… and expression of Gratitude to ALL THAT IS for ALL THAT IS… fills my thoughts with a NEW PERSPECTIVE!! I realised I had set a GOAL and missed the date… the phase is the follow through of the GUILT I didn’t even realise got left behind in my thoughts… WOW. It is brilliant to have such AWARENESS… and my Gratitude finds a new direction… it is but the awareness of the block that is the strongest intention to break it down and resolve it!

I read a book by Anthony Robbins and began to set my book writing and editing and publishing GOAL… and the month was set for July in thought… I wrote and wrote till the book felt complete… I missed the July GOAL-LINE I had set… unknowingly… really… I slipped into postponing and finding brand new excuses for not “GETTING PAST” the block… till this morning… When I realised, that the BLOCK was but a THOUGHT… that became a THING… without my conscious awareness. I am amazed… totally amazed and filled with Gratitude… as the block is revealed… I KNOW all else will begin to set in motion and the process will begin it’s closure.

Congratulations Deepanjali Rao… your first book is headed for publishing and it is a phenomenal success with the mass reader!!! Yes!!! The good feeling returns… in celebration of the AWARENESS and RELEASE of the BLOCK!!

How awesome it would be… if every person in the world could reach out and touch their own lives with a THOUGHT in the healing direction instead of the hoarding direction!!!

I matters when I write… for I write what matters to ME!!

Getting ClosERR!!!

Life has a pleasant way of teaching us to exchange notes of thought for notice of pending closures!

Bumped into an update on an OLD FRIEND who once meant an entire universe  to me. Felt the memories flood straight back… some make me smile and other’s make me sad… Some memories turn the clock way back to when we were a decade younger and “FOREVER and EVER” meant EVERYTHING!!!  Good thoughts and bad thoughts later… I had to ask myself “WHY? WHY? WHY?”

I look back at the sequence of events and smile… I saw it coming and still BROUGHT IT ON!!! I am wondering if this is caused by a QUESTION I asked and he didn’t want to answer? Or was it just “TIME UP”!!!

The beauty of it lies in the truth of this moment… I have yet to completely close this chapter… and in the silence of my heart… saying “Goodbye” hurts… and yet all I have is MYSELF to work on… knowing that a THOUGHT I once had has manifested into the truth of this moment and walking away without an answer was my admitting that, at that time, I had much to much on my mind to have READ THE SIGNBOARD!!! I chose to take things for GRANTED till I lost him.

Closure for me is ACCEPTING my own awkward truth in the falling apart… I chose not to let him know I cared… at all. I chose to free him without healing the hurt I had caused unknowingly, yet knowingly. I was so lost in my own little world of me… that I didn’t even notice when he LET GO… till he’d gone too far away.

The truth is… I miss him so and I want him to know that I’ll always always hold on to each memory with fondness with joy and with a sense of complete and utter Gratitude. I am sure, if he reads this he’ll know it.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you when I told you what I thought. The intention wasn’t to lose you. I am sorry if I made you feel I didn’t love you in anyway. I just didn’t understand that I loved you at all… I always felt we were just super together and that’s how it would ALWAYS ALWAYS be. I miss all the advice and the long conversations. I miss being the first and last thought on your mind. I miss being the centre of ALL your ATTENTION and AFFECTION… I miss YOU… I miss US!!! I am truly sorry for having hurt you… I promise, I didn’t think I was hurting you at all. I realise NOW that I did. Not because you’ve told me through your silence… I’ve felt it through each memory. I realise I wasn’t a good friend… in so many ways… I took you for GRANTED and that must’ve hurt you so badly too!!

Thank you for being my friend, philosopher and guide. Thank you for being my first experience of love… trust me when I tell you… that no one can match up to the standards you’ve set I am a brat now… difficult to handle and impatient as ever… am learning to be patient though. Thank you for always looking out for me and watching my back… I know that even today, you’d be the happiest person in the world when I am happy. Thank you for being you… thank you for being the most wonderful and awesome influence in my life. I’ve had to unlearn so much to adapt myself to my life without you. God Bless you abundantly… I hope you do read this…. and know you’re super duper special to me.

I already feel so much lighter and happier now… that I have shared a group of THINGS I WANTED TO SAY TO YOU but never did… I’ve wanted to say this for the last 8 years… kept my peace waiting for the right MOMENT the RIGHT TIME… today I say this as part of the CLOSURE I needed… I love you and appreciate you more today than ever… for the Gratitude I feel in my heart that you were once part of my life.

and yes!!! I have always been extremely possessive about you… silently have never had the WORDS to say it… but I knew you KNEW it … coz you knew ME so well… Love ya… Forever and Ever!!!”

 

WOW… closure… I tell you… the very INTENT makes me feel so much lighter… I had to let it out somehow… Thank God for my writing skills… really really appreciate what it does for me!!!