In that one moment all changed… I do not know how best to explain what happened… I just knew that something did and I was blessed just having you around a breath away…
It took a million thoughts for me to reach here… and now that I am here I know the reason for this long wait. God knew best… and now… I do too
Sometimes there are reasons for things so rotten to happen for they convey the fact that good things happen too. There is love in the air… and now she knows just how it feels to be blessed.
Did she know that a thought just whispered years ago… maybe under her breath… would be a dream come true
All the heartache of broken relationships of the past cannot help her understand the NOW of how she feels
Had you told her 3 days before, that the date was upon her… she would’ve laughed in your face… with a sad twinkle in the eye… this was all she wanted… but knew not when it would come by… and now… we are but 14 days away from her dream come true… she cries like a child and says… "you know what Di… I already miss you."
To me even a bride… a baby she will be. Her tears make my heart bleed… even if they are tears of joy. I know that she loves him… and someday soon she will be his… what I know more confidently is that the love she has for us… well her family that is … will only grow deeper as her days to be at home grow less.
In her tears… was the joy of being loved so much that nothing would ever be the same. A peek into her eyes will give you a glimpse of all that she ever dreamed of … all lit up… and eagerly awaiting 070707 when in the presence of all who are most precious to her.
Our little girl has now come of age… and soon she will be his wife. I know that in my heart I am not losing her… I am only gaining a brother… and mom, well a son.
Precious Lord, thank you for the wonderful gift of love… thank you for bringing them together… to love and honour each other
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
DeeTalk
in keeping with the tradition of writing what comes to my mind.... i am writing this particular blog...
just the other day as i chatted away to glory on a subject that is close to my heart... and yet so far away from my being... i knew internally what the subject of my next blog would be... but what i did not know... well is how it is gonna read... so here i am, writing impromtu ... again... at the risk of losing out on the flow... yet retaining all the thoughts gushing at full speed through a tired mind.
in comes the request for help... and my mind starts looking for solutions... wondering totally WHY i need to take on this new assignment... and yet... i know i have the internal faculty to handle the maddness as well as get a feel for all the things that seem so irrelevant.
it was at about 5:30 pm and we were all set to go out and walk the streets.... readily wanting to spend hard cash... not knowing exactly what were out looking for...
we walked into the first store... and found a few million things we would like to buy... but I guess the fear of finishing all the currency was what took the front row seat in our minds... and so.... after spending a good 45 minutes... well we walked out of there with a few pictures and a visiting card... promising to return the next day to pick up the wares...
at the next shop... well which is a place i quite love... but don't frequent too often... for budgetary reasons... since my head rules my pocket... of course... the only time it does not... which is when the little devil of my family is out with me... well with her the scenario is rather different... most often you return from a shopping trip with more stuff for her.... and without all the things that you actually went to buy.... anyway... let me come back to the next shop... or else this will read like an essay on "my little sister".... i knew i would not feel wonderful if i did not shop for me... and so... well i did... realised later.... that i was not meant to spend money, i was meant to get him to spend :)
wow... if that was not enough... we landed up driving to the other side... to YET ANOTHER.... market place... and walking in the heat to YET ANOTHER set of shops... my patience was kinda losing its space on the cliff... almost hanging over the top... and slipping... i kept praying that i may not let the SELF take control.... for knowing the self... is knowing... BLUNT GRIEF... grief that has no HEART or SOUL and cares two hoots for the emotions of anyone... other than the self.
EUREKA!!! he did shop.... and i did make sure that i did not feel like a complete dope... simply hanging around... As i walked out of this shop... i almost knew why i was hanging around doing something i totally hate... i knew i had a karmic debt to pay... and sadly... heavily so. i knew i would walk the street shopping for someone else's special day like it was almost my own... that evening i went home... far richer in experiencing the happiness on his face...
in all good faith... and a hundred mumblings under my breath... and maybe a freak smile or two... the shopping trip continued... internally the voice seemed so freakin upset... and showed its disagreement... my feet were swelling... unwilling to walk the talk.... and in the middle of it all i almost got handed over the phone to talk to someone i did not know... and in all honesty... i do not want to know either... for very obvious reasons....
I guess what i was really meant to learn on this particular day... was well... to know that sometimes you need to live your life like it was the last day of it... the self does not matter... but the soul finds NIRVANA in being available to significant others... for every human is connected by the soul... and the soul finds its peace in being avaible to other souls... even if ....
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Wordsmith
in all my years of writing… and I know it has been a long while now… there is a certain sense of belonging to every piece. Each writer develops a certain style of writing… well for a writer like me… the thoughts that suddenly pop up in my precious head are often the thoughts that so get translated into the pieces I publish on my blog.
Different segments of 5 minutes shall read differently… and if you were me… you will also notice the millions of thoughts… that could not be mentioned in words… but find them in the …… spaces between… defining a time… when too many words wanted to make their presence felt…
In conversation with a friend the other day… I was told that my work had to head no body and no tail… When did I claim to have these essentials either… for my work is not meant for the masses… it is purely meant… to share my life… as best as I can… to either mentor or torment a reader
To which I asked… will I be good enough… when it comes to writing for the masses… NAHHHHHH I do not want to write for the masses… for the masses have real problems and real situations… and real lives and they will need to make their own deductions of every word that I have written… when I write… well all I know is that I must… and beyond that … well it is the journey between the tips of my fingers and the keyboard.
As a young writer my thoughts were more family and friends and immediate influences and influencers… as I have grown older… the style has evolved to more personal experiences and thoughts… just as I write… I am thinking… trying to visualize… I know who I am talking about… and I know what I see most clearly… yet there is a distant… space to which all of this is being transmitted… and some thoughts are received through this same transmission… often finding its breathing space in a new paragraph.
Different segments of 5 minutes shall read differently… and if you were me… you will also notice the millions of thoughts… that could not be mentioned in words… but find them in the …… spaces between… defining a time… when too many words wanted to make their presence felt…
In conversation with a friend the other day… I was told that my work had to head no body and no tail… When did I claim to have these essentials either… for my work is not meant for the masses… it is purely meant… to share my life… as best as I can… to either mentor or torment a reader
To which I asked… will I be good enough… when it comes to writing for the masses… NAHHHHHH I do not want to write for the masses… for the masses have real problems and real situations… and real lives and they will need to make their own deductions of every word that I have written… when I write… well all I know is that I must… and beyond that … well it is the journey between the tips of my fingers and the keyboard.
As a young writer my thoughts were more family and friends and immediate influences and influencers… as I have grown older… the style has evolved to more personal experiences and thoughts… just as I write… I am thinking… trying to visualize… I know who I am talking about… and I know what I see most clearly… yet there is a distant… space to which all of this is being transmitted… and some thoughts are received through this same transmission… often finding its breathing space in a new paragraph.
Often my thoughts… are rather… silent… and allow a single person or situation to influence the sequence… and yet other times… these very situations and people are the main reason… I wonder why I wrote at all. It is a strange phenomena… this whole writing process… unless you completely feel something… you cannot write… and after the experience has found expressions in the words that you have written… well it moves you to wonder exactly how brilliant that moment was J
Even as my thoughts continue this journey… I know that there shall always be a moment when I stop in my tracks to think… to think of a completely new thought to write… and as I write… I will continue to love every moment of inspiration and love.
Even if you are reading this and wondering… where the HEAD, BODY and TAIL of this piece is… well … remain peaceful… I am not an architect or a professional writer… I am but a wordsmith… I play with the words that walk into my brain… and walk out in my work.
I am but a drop in the ocean… and I totally love being just that… for without millions like me… well the ocean would not be an ocean ;)
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Aug 2006: My Soul cryeth out... restore me again
There are moments that seem so perfect in an imperfect circumstance...
One such perfect moment is when time stands still and you watch in awe the wonder of the universe.... as I write this article my heart is impatient and my soul needs space to breathe.... I don't know the reason.... all I know is that the EGO is getting the better of the soul... and my soul is longing to be centred and focused.
There are more reasons to let go than to hold on..... There are more reasons to let the EGO consume the moment... but there is a cry for peace and solace... there is a need to centre the souls journey... to look deep within for the answer.
In less than a day I see my thoughts finding its realisation in the moment and I am hoping that it creates a reason for more positive energy to be drawn.... but has my soul really given up the fight and taken flight? Does my EGO take up so much of my being....? Is there a reason to truly hold on to the memory or should I simply let go and let my soul dictate the journey ahead....
Maybe.... I am missing out on the reason why this turbulence is happening... what is the greater reason for this moment?
What is the message that this moment is bringing to me? Why the impatience? What is it that my soul is looking for but cannot find an answer for?
There is someone praying that I may realise the value of this moment but, what is it that the noise is making me miss out on?
I see him present in every memory and I know that there is more to us meeting than a mere coincidence.... there is a higher calling to this union.... but the circumstances are such that there seems to be no reason for a tomorrow....
Why is letting go coming so easily to me....Why don't I fear being lonely....? How does my soul define lonely and why can't my soul help me figure out what really is.....???
When the soul chose to let go of the grieviances and choose the miracles.... Did it not know that the EGO would fight for its place back in our minds for the simple reason that it has been so incharge of everything that letting go is not so easy.
Maybe it is time to say Goodbye once again to all the fond memories of US. Should that be the answer.... then why is the soul still crying for a voice... to be heard and to be felt....
Quieten thy voice my EGO for my SOUL would like to communicate through me.... I understand that there is a great learning in this moment.
(original post is on http://deerao4eva.spaces.live.com/)
One such perfect moment is when time stands still and you watch in awe the wonder of the universe.... as I write this article my heart is impatient and my soul needs space to breathe.... I don't know the reason.... all I know is that the EGO is getting the better of the soul... and my soul is longing to be centred and focused.
There are more reasons to let go than to hold on..... There are more reasons to let the EGO consume the moment... but there is a cry for peace and solace... there is a need to centre the souls journey... to look deep within for the answer.
In less than a day I see my thoughts finding its realisation in the moment and I am hoping that it creates a reason for more positive energy to be drawn.... but has my soul really given up the fight and taken flight? Does my EGO take up so much of my being....? Is there a reason to truly hold on to the memory or should I simply let go and let my soul dictate the journey ahead....
Maybe.... I am missing out on the reason why this turbulence is happening... what is the greater reason for this moment?
What is the message that this moment is bringing to me? Why the impatience? What is it that my soul is looking for but cannot find an answer for?
There is someone praying that I may realise the value of this moment but, what is it that the noise is making me miss out on?
I see him present in every memory and I know that there is more to us meeting than a mere coincidence.... there is a higher calling to this union.... but the circumstances are such that there seems to be no reason for a tomorrow....
Why is letting go coming so easily to me....Why don't I fear being lonely....? How does my soul define lonely and why can't my soul help me figure out what really is.....???
When the soul chose to let go of the grieviances and choose the miracles.... Did it not know that the EGO would fight for its place back in our minds for the simple reason that it has been so incharge of everything that letting go is not so easy.
Maybe it is time to say Goodbye once again to all the fond memories of US. Should that be the answer.... then why is the soul still crying for a voice... to be heard and to be felt....
Quieten thy voice my EGO for my SOUL would like to communicate through me.... I understand that there is a great learning in this moment.
(original post is on http://deerao4eva.spaces.live.com/)
DeeMan
i have not met you... i don't know what it will be like to meet you... all i know for sure... well... is that you have touched my life.
i have always dreamed of perfection and been dejected at what i finally saw.... numerous expectations of myself have come crushing to the floor... it has taken a huge amount of courage against the odds created by ME... to reach this space... this place in time... there is a flutter in my stomach.
i guess you had me at 'Hello'... and the silence that followed... well 10 seconds seemed to last for a lifetime... and that lifetime... well... was way too long... all i wanted to do was to keep totally silent and listen... yet... all i did was talk too much... and listen to absolutely nothing. I guess i was afraid of you identifying the nervous breathing... and wondering what the hell this woman is all about :)
in all the years of being a free bird... all i wanted was for you to capture and put me in a cage :) ouch.... anyone reading this is going to wonder... whether the Dee they know is really the Dee that is writing this piece...
in every sense of the word.... i was awestruck... i just knew that there was someone special coming my way and that special someone was you. the conversation was so stimulating that i did not want it to end... if i could've helped it... well... i would've made sure it did not... and i know i wanted to talk to you so much more... everything you said made so much sense... without, at any point being judgemental or demeaning... or even authoritative. it is still taking time to sink in... i know that someday soon i will meet you in person... and that moment will be magical and that my entire life will take on a completely new dimension.
My thoughts will be clearer... and my actions will reflect your presence. My personna will temper down and my perspectives will change... my life will be a reflection of all its meant to be...
as i wait upon that day... with a twinkle in my eyes...
my heart's taking flight... into the infinite skies...
its the moment of truth.... when we meet face to face....
a moment to hold on to... with faith & lots of grace....
it is what i've been waiting for.... all my living years...
its the moment of sheer joy... for uncontrolable tears...
as the sun sets this day... we are but a day closer to being together....
i know that my dreams are real... i am waiting for only you, for me, there is no other...
"In death, we are reborn to life eternal"
Fr Paul A Cardoza : 1952-2005
He met our family in 1982-1983.... and was a part of us eversince...
The peace on his face said a million things...I am sharing a few thoughts that come to mind when i saw his face:
"Don't be sad for me.... I am now truly happy. I longed for you to reach out to me... and as long as i lived you said not a word that was good... now as i lie here... all of you have gathered to say wonderful things about me....where were all these words when I most needed them... you say you love me.... but what is it that you know of love.... your love is selfish and self serving...When i said "I love you" i meant it with my soul.... I lived for so long looking for a purpose... as soon as i found it... I found everything... and lost my breath.
Life for me was a series of rejections and judgements... Why did you not give me the freedom to be... Each of you wanted to mould me in your own cast... but because I was not willing you shunned me... and left me to suffer. "
The truth is .... every time mom thinks of her guitar.... she will remember him. Everytime we sisters decorate our home for Christmas... we will think of him... he taught us how to use things around the house and loads of cotton to give our home the Chritmas look. Everytime I buy crackers I will miss him... Everytime I play the keyboard I will think of him... he taught me the chords I know. Everytime I hear "Oh Holy Night" or sing it... I will think of him... I still remember the confidence he always had in my voice, esp when I was singing in church.
I guess everytime we get together : The D'Souza's, Cosme, Mark , Glenda, CS John & Joseph, Doreen, Uncle Eric & Aunty Promilla, Ignatius, Lucas, The Joseph family, Molly, The Chabra family, Gasper, Christopher... and all the others I may not remember by name.... but have been a part of the FAMOUS choir...We will all fondly remember him, each time we essay a four voice piece. Everytime we sing for a wedding...we will remember, every lesson we were taught.
He will continue to inspire us.... for he may have passed on ... but his spirit will linger on FOREVER in the choir he so loved and cherished
Enternal peace grant unto him oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him.... may his precious soul rest in PEACE.
In his own words : IF GOD IS FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST FOR THE SPIRIT OF GOD WILL SET US FREE.. Take time to listen.... don't rush
Deepa
He met our family in 1982-1983.... and was a part of us eversince...
The peace on his face said a million things...I am sharing a few thoughts that come to mind when i saw his face:
"Don't be sad for me.... I am now truly happy. I longed for you to reach out to me... and as long as i lived you said not a word that was good... now as i lie here... all of you have gathered to say wonderful things about me....where were all these words when I most needed them... you say you love me.... but what is it that you know of love.... your love is selfish and self serving...When i said "I love you" i meant it with my soul.... I lived for so long looking for a purpose... as soon as i found it... I found everything... and lost my breath.
Life for me was a series of rejections and judgements... Why did you not give me the freedom to be... Each of you wanted to mould me in your own cast... but because I was not willing you shunned me... and left me to suffer. "
The truth is .... every time mom thinks of her guitar.... she will remember him. Everytime we sisters decorate our home for Christmas... we will think of him... he taught us how to use things around the house and loads of cotton to give our home the Chritmas look. Everytime I buy crackers I will miss him... Everytime I play the keyboard I will think of him... he taught me the chords I know. Everytime I hear "Oh Holy Night" or sing it... I will think of him... I still remember the confidence he always had in my voice, esp when I was singing in church.
I guess everytime we get together : The D'Souza's, Cosme, Mark , Glenda, CS John & Joseph, Doreen, Uncle Eric & Aunty Promilla, Ignatius, Lucas, The Joseph family, Molly, The Chabra family, Gasper, Christopher... and all the others I may not remember by name.... but have been a part of the FAMOUS choir...We will all fondly remember him, each time we essay a four voice piece. Everytime we sing for a wedding...we will remember, every lesson we were taught.
He will continue to inspire us.... for he may have passed on ... but his spirit will linger on FOREVER in the choir he so loved and cherished
Enternal peace grant unto him oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him.... may his precious soul rest in PEACE.
In his own words : IF GOD IS FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST FOR THE SPIRIT OF GOD WILL SET US FREE.. Take time to listen.... don't rush
Deepa
A tribute to the memories I left back - ABRUPTLY
26th August 2005
When Michael, my boss okayed my going to Chennai for a meeting I was ecstatic.... don't kill me boss... for me it was life coming full circle... Chennai is where I lived with my family ... memories of which haunted my mind since the age of 5.... 23 years later I was going to return to the one place I knew as home... A place I left for a holiday to Delhi and never returned. A place that I knew would complete my smile.... a place called home... where, a happy family lived ... a place I still dream of when I'm lonely.
I finished my meeting at 2:30 in the afternoon and had but a one point agenda thereafter... to visit the places I've not been able to forget for 23 years.... places that are only a part of my memory... for all our pictures were rather unceremoniously thrown from the 3rd floor apartment we lived in....... I still remember the rockets that Aunty Eve bought me that year for Diwali.... 3 of which were left back... with the promise that I would return from my holiday and fire them.... My Book of Fairy tales... which I was asked not to carry with the fear that I may lose it..... but lil did I know that I would never see it again.... I did not even say Bye bye to my friends.... Maya & Madhu, with whom I spent most of my time after school. Mrs. Menon, my class teacher too... and yes the sand pit and the slides in school which were sooooo dear to me....
Anyway, I connected with a friend of mine in Chennai, Solomon, asked him to be my designated driver... and the journey began.....
MY FIRST HALT
Sathyanarayana Apartments.... where we lived on the third floor, a home from where you got a perfect view of 'Amma's' house ( the stone mansion of Jayalalitha) Mum tells me, that as a child I used to be invited over to the mansion ;) I don't think it was important enough for me to remember... ha ha ha ha
The place seemed a lot smaller than I remembered.... guess coz I was sooooo much shorter then... but it felt like home.... :) and was just as I remembered it... of course before we got there we were stopped by security personnel just outside Amma's house... and I had to explain to them WHO I WAS... had half the mind of telling them to inform Amma that I was in the vicinity... but TOOOO BIG to sit on her lap anymore ;)
The water tank ..... where we used to sit on our custom poufs.... i.e. Roopa & I... was still just the same.... (You can check out the pictures of Chennai in the album on my page)
HALT 2
Marina Beach Mom told me we used to spend a lot of time here.... playing in the sand and enjoying the water..... so I stopped by.... to say SalaamNamaste..... It felt like there was a part of me that felt totally welcome there.... but there was another part that simply felt like a stranger..... It was yesterday welcoming me with open arms... and today asking WHO ARE YOU? I wonder what life would've been like had I grown up by the sea....? The pain, returned... as a tribute to the memories that were stolen from me..... as a reminder of a life that was snatched away..... A memory that was longing to return from the secret place of my mind.... aching to bring every person who stole it away from me to books.... struggling to update itself to the present.... but snuggly enjoying the past......
HALT 3......
Shishya This part of the journey actually gave way to the uncried tears and the unresolved and unaccounted for past that I so wanted to make my peace with..... the only real memories I had of school.... was the fact that there were a couple of slides.. which I loved to play on..... there was a sandpit just outside my class.... and if you can manage to visualise the place with my eyes you will also see my classroom and my teacher Mrs. Menon. As I walked in.... there was a strange excitement building in my stomach.... it was like life was coming full circle.... and yes I was excited....:)
Since, I do not remember even one word of Tamil.... I had to use a mix of Hindi/English/Sign language to get the watchman to understand that I used to be in this school 23 years back... and was just wanting to see my class.... :) he seemed to understand and took me to meet Mr. Prabhakaran.... :) Luckily... Mr. Prabhakaran spoke English.... uff...was I relieved.... here is when my journey really was complete.....:)
When I told Mr. Prabhakaran that I used to be in this school 23 years back and today I had come to Chennai and so wanted to visit my first school..... He stopped me and asked my name.... when I said Deepanjali.... he said..... "Don't you remember me?" I looked sheepishly at him and said "I am sorry sir.... I only remember my classroom, the slides, the sandpit and Mrs. Menon”. "don't you remember Mrs. Cherian? You were her favourite student" all could do was smile.....:) what followed was a walk around the campus.... stories about my time in school, an introduction to what all had changed in 23 years... my famous performance on stage and the fact that I was a child who everybody remembered and missed tooo since they did not get a chance to say bye.... everything was so abrupt and one day they saw me no more..... he so wanted me to stay back and meet the NOW principal of the school. We also discussed Madhu & Maya for a bit ... the school had changed drastically from my memories of it... I even called Mum, to get her to say "hello" to Mr. Prabhakaran and they got into their own conversations about other parents... Mrs. Badami et al. He then invited me to his home on the campus and excitedly introduced me to his family.
It was astonishing and humbling... the very fact that someone still remembered me, by name.... I was only 4 years old then.... It brought a tear to my eyes.... he then walked me to my waiting car... we exchanged numbers and a promise to keep in touch.... He has also promised to get me some pictures of mine that will be in their archives.... :)
As I sat in the car and headed towards the airport to catch my flight back to Delhi.... I knew, that I had made my peace with my past.... in a miniscule way.... by re visiting and paying respect to the memories of Deepa ( 1976- 1981). 14th November 1981 took away so much from me..... which 26th August 2005 took me back to.... to complete the unfinished.
Life : takes you back.... before it leads you forward....
When Michael, my boss okayed my going to Chennai for a meeting I was ecstatic.... don't kill me boss... for me it was life coming full circle... Chennai is where I lived with my family ... memories of which haunted my mind since the age of 5.... 23 years later I was going to return to the one place I knew as home... A place I left for a holiday to Delhi and never returned. A place that I knew would complete my smile.... a place called home... where, a happy family lived ... a place I still dream of when I'm lonely.
I finished my meeting at 2:30 in the afternoon and had but a one point agenda thereafter... to visit the places I've not been able to forget for 23 years.... places that are only a part of my memory... for all our pictures were rather unceremoniously thrown from the 3rd floor apartment we lived in....... I still remember the rockets that Aunty Eve bought me that year for Diwali.... 3 of which were left back... with the promise that I would return from my holiday and fire them.... My Book of Fairy tales... which I was asked not to carry with the fear that I may lose it..... but lil did I know that I would never see it again.... I did not even say Bye bye to my friends.... Maya & Madhu, with whom I spent most of my time after school. Mrs. Menon, my class teacher too... and yes the sand pit and the slides in school which were sooooo dear to me....
Anyway, I connected with a friend of mine in Chennai, Solomon, asked him to be my designated driver... and the journey began.....
MY FIRST HALT
Sathyanarayana Apartments.... where we lived on the third floor, a home from where you got a perfect view of 'Amma's' house ( the stone mansion of Jayalalitha) Mum tells me, that as a child I used to be invited over to the mansion ;) I don't think it was important enough for me to remember... ha ha ha ha
The place seemed a lot smaller than I remembered.... guess coz I was sooooo much shorter then... but it felt like home.... :) and was just as I remembered it... of course before we got there we were stopped by security personnel just outside Amma's house... and I had to explain to them WHO I WAS... had half the mind of telling them to inform Amma that I was in the vicinity... but TOOOO BIG to sit on her lap anymore ;)
The water tank ..... where we used to sit on our custom poufs.... i.e. Roopa & I... was still just the same.... (You can check out the pictures of Chennai in the album on my page)
HALT 2
Marina Beach Mom told me we used to spend a lot of time here.... playing in the sand and enjoying the water..... so I stopped by.... to say SalaamNamaste..... It felt like there was a part of me that felt totally welcome there.... but there was another part that simply felt like a stranger..... It was yesterday welcoming me with open arms... and today asking WHO ARE YOU? I wonder what life would've been like had I grown up by the sea....? The pain, returned... as a tribute to the memories that were stolen from me..... as a reminder of a life that was snatched away..... A memory that was longing to return from the secret place of my mind.... aching to bring every person who stole it away from me to books.... struggling to update itself to the present.... but snuggly enjoying the past......
HALT 3......
Shishya This part of the journey actually gave way to the uncried tears and the unresolved and unaccounted for past that I so wanted to make my peace with..... the only real memories I had of school.... was the fact that there were a couple of slides.. which I loved to play on..... there was a sandpit just outside my class.... and if you can manage to visualise the place with my eyes you will also see my classroom and my teacher Mrs. Menon. As I walked in.... there was a strange excitement building in my stomach.... it was like life was coming full circle.... and yes I was excited....:)
Since, I do not remember even one word of Tamil.... I had to use a mix of Hindi/English/Sign language to get the watchman to understand that I used to be in this school 23 years back... and was just wanting to see my class.... :) he seemed to understand and took me to meet Mr. Prabhakaran.... :) Luckily... Mr. Prabhakaran spoke English.... uff...was I relieved.... here is when my journey really was complete.....:)
When I told Mr. Prabhakaran that I used to be in this school 23 years back and today I had come to Chennai and so wanted to visit my first school..... He stopped me and asked my name.... when I said Deepanjali.... he said..... "Don't you remember me?" I looked sheepishly at him and said "I am sorry sir.... I only remember my classroom, the slides, the sandpit and Mrs. Menon”. "don't you remember Mrs. Cherian? You were her favourite student" all could do was smile.....:) what followed was a walk around the campus.... stories about my time in school, an introduction to what all had changed in 23 years... my famous performance on stage and the fact that I was a child who everybody remembered and missed tooo since they did not get a chance to say bye.... everything was so abrupt and one day they saw me no more..... he so wanted me to stay back and meet the NOW principal of the school. We also discussed Madhu & Maya for a bit ... the school had changed drastically from my memories of it... I even called Mum, to get her to say "hello" to Mr. Prabhakaran and they got into their own conversations about other parents... Mrs. Badami et al. He then invited me to his home on the campus and excitedly introduced me to his family.
It was astonishing and humbling... the very fact that someone still remembered me, by name.... I was only 4 years old then.... It brought a tear to my eyes.... he then walked me to my waiting car... we exchanged numbers and a promise to keep in touch.... He has also promised to get me some pictures of mine that will be in their archives.... :)
As I sat in the car and headed towards the airport to catch my flight back to Delhi.... I knew, that I had made my peace with my past.... in a miniscule way.... by re visiting and paying respect to the memories of Deepa ( 1976- 1981). 14th November 1981 took away so much from me..... which 26th August 2005 took me back to.... to complete the unfinished.
Life : takes you back.... before it leads you forward....
The silver lining..
When I walked through the past... firmly guided by faith, I saw no reason to want to hold back my tears at the miracles I’ve been granted and the miracles I have been a part of. There are times today that needing an insight is only but a way to be the person that I am in a world that is so filled with nothing and heading to nowhere.
There is a restlessness in the soul to reach out to the real reason for being born… there are messages that strongly suggest that all that has happened so far has happened for the very best and all that is happening is guided, even though each day may seem like a challenge that is easy to fail at… there is an assurance in heaven… that everything is, as is was meant to be. Heaven has a message for me and the message is love.
In moments of deep despair I turn to communicate to my Maker and my miracles are upon me. In sharing what all I have received in faith, the Spirit of the living God fills my being with the knowledge & wisdom I need to get past the moment of doubt with flying colours. There is never a day in which I do not feel his presence in my being a presence that is so wonderful so communicative so precious.
What we have been told to look for
“The silver lining around every grey cloud… in faith however, all you see well… IS, the silver lining.”
There is a restlessness in the soul to reach out to the real reason for being born… there are messages that strongly suggest that all that has happened so far has happened for the very best and all that is happening is guided, even though each day may seem like a challenge that is easy to fail at… there is an assurance in heaven… that everything is, as is was meant to be. Heaven has a message for me and the message is love.
In moments of deep despair I turn to communicate to my Maker and my miracles are upon me. In sharing what all I have received in faith, the Spirit of the living God fills my being with the knowledge & wisdom I need to get past the moment of doubt with flying colours. There is never a day in which I do not feel his presence in my being a presence that is so wonderful so communicative so precious.
What we have been told to look for
“The silver lining around every grey cloud… in faith however, all you see well… IS, the silver lining.”
Faith
when we walk on the PATH.. the PATH guides our footsteps... there is a sense of magic as we walk the distance... knowing not the distance to be travelled... yet taking each step and facing each barrier with the confidence that the ONE who leads knows the PATH best.
faith is the strongest partner and faith is the firm conditioner
faith is the strongest partner and faith is the firm conditioner
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