In a world of strangers ... I looked for a friend...

Someone who could standby... and be ready to defend...

Someone who could be my strength in times of doubt...

Someone who could walk strong... even when I'd pout...

Someone who I could talk to … when the going was tough…

Someone who’d always say.. “Of you I can never get enough”

And then…

Like a dream come true… I heard you speak

Your voice so strong… yet so meek

As the wind chimes spoke with the breeze…

I felt a rush of excitement in my spine… and weak in the knees

I knew just then… I knew it strong

I knew in that moment… exactly where I belong

For those of you who read this ... Here’s a wish from my heart

May every breath from this moment on be blessed with the joy of being whole.

As I share this joy with every living soul

Hold on to your dreams and look for the sign…

I wish you manifestation… by design

Just live each moment and know that its NOW

Increase the miracles in the world… and NOW you know HOW ;)

Philosophically yours....

I am ... Alive
I am... Nobody

I am standing still...
Still standing in awe.

I am Nobody...
No body... just a soul.

I am the edge...
The edge of a new horizon
And...

Life is.... free falling...
Free falling with hope

I don't know the future...
Still..the future... knows nobody

Now... is all that matters...

and now...

But, a breath....
A breath of life.

I am standing still...
Still standing in awe.

I am ... Alive
I am... Nobody

Last Modified: 26/3/03 9:42

Destiny........ I have realised that sometimes it is soooooooooo much fun to simply follow your heart and count on every intuition that you have. Yesterday was one such day. I know that there are lots of hunches that I do not follow, like the one that is coming to me right now. Somewhere deep in my heart I feel that there is someone watching over my shoulder protecting me and letting me know that I am never alone. I have known and trusted this feeling for a very long time now and I know that somewhere in the last 4 years I have lost that feeling of complete protection. I remember when I got back from Pota all I felt was this complete confidence and pride. I needed to spend more time with Jesus, allowing him to take full charge of my life. Then in the last couple of years I have let that feeling slip away. there are no excuses or explanations.......... just that I started getting tooo confident. In my mind I know with all confidence that Jesus was always there filling my life with his love and guiding me along a path of faith......... esp during a time when all the world turned against me. I always made time for Jesus and me and together with him nothing could p[ossibly go wrong for me.Today Jesus has increased my hunger for an infilling of the spirit that will guide me on in my journey toward Jesus. I praise the Lord for every breath.......... PRAISE YOU JESUS

Last Modified: 6/5/03 11:39

THE RISEN CHRIST.........
I have been coming to the Cathedral for the last 20 years........... I have seen things change over time. I have learnt and see the Lord work in mysterious ways in my life and in the lives of a lot of people around me. I have seen faith move moountains and now it kills me to see us trying to manouvre faith. On Good Friday, the sermon got me thinking on a line of action and the Easter service has pushed me to take action. I know that I am going to get a lot of flak for this.......
Right throughout the midnight mass I was distracted..... not because I saw someone I that took my focus away from the liturgy....... but because the flow of the liturgy was such that it kept kind of pushing the focus away. I could almost feel the lil voice that speaks within me say to me.......... Is this mass? What was even funnier is that the voice that sat next to me....... said, "I told you to come to ISI for mass. You, decided on Cathedral."
I understand that we want to Indianise everything and we want to bring more people to the church, but the question that I keep asking myself is, is this what Jesus would do?
I do not know how many of you noticed, but, I did, the PASCAL candle, that over the years has braved every gust of wind and never gone off......... refused to stay lit. Look at that sign, what is Jesus trying to tell you, think of it.........."IS THIS WHAT I STAND FOR.....".
I remember, I was in class VII when I was introduced into the Cathedral Choir. There was a different energy and different committment. The Cathedral used to be soooooo full that the mass extended to the little garden in front of the church as well and that meant, that there were a LOT of people. Today, there is so much empty space, so many empty chairs and there is still the request, "be generous with your money".
There was a time that each person who served mass served with pride and understood the privellege of being CATHOLIC. Today you see faces that SCREAM, please release me. Has this become kinda political.
The mass more than anything else stood for confusion, it was like a drama staged for the community to come and watch, everything seemed so rehearsed, everyone so robotic.
This is my opinion and I do not know really what yours is......... but this came to me soooooo strongly that I had to share it with you. There are sooooo many reasons to keep quiet and yet sooooo many more reasons to speak up........ I am sure that each of you have asked yourselves this question atleast once......... WHERE IS THE COMMUNITY HEADED? ARE WE A RESURRECTION PEOPLE? WHAT ARE THE TRADITIONS THAT WE WILL PASS ON TO OUR GENERATIONS?
The question that continually comes to mind is............. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS? Do you ever wonder... WHY are you proud of being a CHRISTian? What makes JESUS special? Is it HOW he preached........... What language he preached in............... or the VALUES that he stood for that make him the THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE? I know that when we teach or talk about Jesus, we never talk about the LITURGY that was followed during the time, nor do we speak of the way JESUS preached.......... The message that comes across sooooo strongly is the fact that the VALUES that Jesus stood for is what makes him special.

Being

Your voice is like my own...
Distant but clear

I've learnt the WHY...
of our connection

You... are the echo of my soul...
my extension

Being...
Alive and Alert

Being... miles apart...
still near

The Thinker

In moments of thought...

The Thinker comes alive...

A wide open space of no-thingness...

a blank

The soul wanders restless...

Looking to fill the void...

Its all within you.... Humanoid!

050707

At dawn this morning…
It dawned so clear…
I don’t know your face yet…
Yet, I know you’re somewhere near

You stood right by my side
Silent and strong
Your charm worked wonders
You’ve become my song

Whispering sweet nothings
Yet the feeling was right
I so wanted to hold on,
Simply hold on tight

But it was already early morning
Time to wake up and shine
And from that moment I’ve been smiling
So happy that you are mine

If it were not for the precious sleep
And all the thoughts of waking up late
I would’ve dreamed on darling
Till the announcement of our wedding date

The image I faintly remember
You aren’t much taller than I
Maybe you are not are fair as me
But your love is as pure as the sky

It was just that moment
I knew it was you…
When in my ears you whispered
“see see see I knew…”

The moment was so perfect,
The whisper in the breeze,
It was a dream to remember,
A memory to freeze

I do not know the future,
And I do not know the day
All I know is that we’ll be together,
Forever, if we may.

A toast to my little girl :)

In that one moment all changed… I do not know how best to explain what happened… I just knew that something did and I was blessed just having you around a breath away…

It took a million thoughts for me to reach here… and now that I am here I know the reason for this long wait. God knew best… and now… I do too

Sometimes there are reasons for things so rotten to happen for they convey the fact that good things happen too. There is love in the air… and now she knows just how it feels to be blessed.

Did she know that a thought just whispered years ago… maybe under her breath… would be a dream come true

All the heartache of broken relationships of the past cannot help her understand the NOW of how she feels

Had you told her 3 days before, that the date was upon her… she would’ve laughed in your face… with a sad twinkle in the eye… this was all she wanted… but knew not when it would come by… and now… we are but 14 days away from her dream come true… she cries like a child and says… "you know what Di… I already miss you."

To me even a bride… a baby she will be. Her tears make my heart bleed… even if they are tears of joy. I know that she loves him… and someday soon she will be his… what I know more confidently is that the love she has for us… well her family that is … will only grow deeper as her days to be at home grow less.

In her tears… was the joy of being loved so much that nothing would ever be the same. A peek into her eyes will give you a glimpse of all that she ever dreamed of … all lit up… and eagerly awaiting 070707 when in the presence of all who are most precious to her.

Our little girl has now come of age… and soon she will be his wife. I know that in my heart I am not losing her… I am only gaining a brother… and mom, well a son.

Precious Lord, thank you for the wonderful gift of love… thank you for bringing them together… to love and honour each other

DeeTalk

in keeping with the tradition of writing what comes to my mind.... i am writing this particular blog...

just the other day as i chatted away to glory on a subject that is close to my heart... and yet so far away from my being... i knew internally what the subject of my next blog would be... but what i did not know... well is how it is gonna read... so here i am, writing impromtu ... again... at the risk of losing out on the flow... yet retaining all the thoughts gushing at full speed through a tired mind.

in comes the request for help... and my mind starts looking for solutions... wondering totally WHY i need to take on this new assignment... and yet... i know i have the internal faculty to handle the maddness as well as get a feel for all the things that seem so irrelevant.

it was at about 5:30 pm and we were all set to go out and walk the streets.... readily wanting to spend hard cash... not knowing exactly what were out looking for...

we walked into the first store... and found a few million things we would like to buy... but I guess the fear of finishing all the currency was what took the front row seat in our minds... and so.... after spending a good 45 minutes... well we walked out of there with a few pictures and a visiting card... promising to return the next day to pick up the wares...

at the next shop... well which is a place i quite love... but don't frequent too often... for budgetary reasons... since my head rules my pocket... of course... the only time it does not... which is when the little devil of my family is out with me... well with her the scenario is rather different... most often you return from a shopping trip with more stuff for her.... and without all the things that you actually went to buy.... anyway... let me come back to the next shop... or else this will read like an essay on "my little sister".... i knew i would not feel wonderful if i did not shop for me... and so... well i did... realised later.... that i was not meant to spend money, i was meant to get him to spend :)

wow... if that was not enough... we landed up driving to the other side... to YET ANOTHER.... market place... and walking in the heat to YET ANOTHER set of shops... my patience was kinda losing its space on the cliff... almost hanging over the top... and slipping... i kept praying that i may not let the SELF take control.... for knowing the self... is knowing... BLUNT GRIEF... grief that has no HEART or SOUL and cares two hoots for the emotions of anyone... other than the self.

EUREKA!!! he did shop.... and i did make sure that i did not feel like a complete dope... simply hanging around... As i walked out of this shop... i almost knew why i was hanging around doing something i totally hate... i knew i had a karmic debt to pay... and sadly... heavily so. i knew i would walk the street shopping for someone else's special day like it was almost my own... that evening i went home... far richer in experiencing the happiness on his face...

in all good faith... and a hundred mumblings under my breath... and maybe a freak smile or two... the shopping trip continued... internally the voice seemed so freakin upset... and showed its disagreement... my feet were swelling... unwilling to walk the talk.... and in the middle of it all i almost got handed over the phone to talk to someone i did not know... and in all honesty... i do not want to know either... for very obvious reasons....

I guess what i was really meant to learn on this particular day... was well... to know that sometimes you need to live your life like it was the last day of it... the self does not matter... but the soul finds NIRVANA in being available to significant others... for every human is connected by the soul... and the soul finds its peace in being avaible to other souls... even if ....

Wordsmith

in all my years of writing… and I know it has been a long while now… there is a certain sense of belonging to every piece. Each writer develops a certain style of writing… well for a writer like me… the thoughts that suddenly pop up in my precious head are often the thoughts that so get translated into the pieces I publish on my blog.

Different segments of 5 minutes shall read differently… and if you were me… you will also notice the millions of thoughts… that could not be mentioned in words… but find them in the …… spaces between… defining a time… when too many words wanted to make their presence felt…

In conversation with a friend the other day… I was told that my work had to head no body and no tail… When did I claim to have these essentials either… for my work is not meant for the masses… it is purely meant… to share my life… as best as I can… to either mentor or torment a reader

To which I asked… will I be good enough… when it comes to writing for the masses… NAHHHHHH I do not want to write for the masses… for the masses have real problems and real situations… and real lives and they will need to make their own deductions of every word that I have written… when I write… well all I know is that I must… and beyond that … well it is the journey between the tips of my fingers and the keyboard.

As a young writer my thoughts were more family and friends and immediate influences and influencers… as I have grown older… the style has evolved to more personal experiences and thoughts… just as I write… I am thinking… trying to visualize… I know who I am talking about… and I know what I see most clearly… yet there is a distant… space to which all of this is being transmitted… and some thoughts are received through this same transmission… often finding its breathing space in a new paragraph.

Often my thoughts… are rather… silent… and allow a single person or situation to influence the sequence… and yet other times… these very situations and people are the main reason… I wonder why I wrote at all. It is a strange phenomena… this whole writing process… unless you completely feel something… you cannot write… and after the experience has found expressions in the words that you have written… well it moves you to wonder exactly how brilliant that moment was J

Even as my thoughts continue this journey… I know that there shall always be a moment when I stop in my tracks to think… to think of a completely new thought to write… and as I write… I will continue to love every moment of inspiration and love.

Even if you are reading this and wondering… where the HEAD, BODY and TAIL of this piece is… well … remain peaceful… I am not an architect or a professional writer… I am but a wordsmith… I play with the words that walk into my brain… and walk out in my work.
I am but a drop in the ocean… and I totally love being just that… for without millions like me… well the ocean would not be an ocean ;)

Aug 2006: My Soul cryeth out... restore me again

There are moments that seem so perfect in an imperfect circumstance...

One such perfect moment is when time stands still and you watch in awe the wonder of the universe.... as I write this article my heart is impatient and my soul needs space to breathe.... I don't know the reason.... all I know is that the EGO is getting the better of the soul... and my soul is longing to be centred and focused.

There are more reasons to let go than to hold on..... There are more reasons to let the EGO consume the moment... but there is a cry for peace and solace... there is a need to centre the souls journey... to look deep within for the answer.

In less than a day I see my thoughts finding its realisation in the moment and I am hoping that it creates a reason for more positive energy to be drawn.... but has my soul really given up the fight and taken flight? Does my EGO take up so much of my being....? Is there a reason to truly hold on to the memory or should I simply let go and let my soul dictate the journey ahead....
Maybe.... I am missing out on the reason why this turbulence is happening... what is the greater reason for this moment?

What is the message that this moment is bringing to me? Why the impatience? What is it that my soul is looking for but cannot find an answer for?

There is someone praying that I may realise the value of this moment but, what is it that the noise is making me miss out on?

I see him present in every memory and I know that there is more to us meeting than a mere coincidence.... there is a higher calling to this union.... but the circumstances are such that there seems to be no reason for a tomorrow....

Why is letting go coming so easily to me....Why don't I fear being lonely....? How does my soul define lonely and why can't my soul help me figure out what really is.....???

When the soul chose to let go of the grieviances and choose the miracles.... Did it not know that the EGO would fight for its place back in our minds for the simple reason that it has been so incharge of everything that letting go is not so easy.

Maybe it is time to say Goodbye once again to all the fond memories of US. Should that be the answer.... then why is the soul still crying for a voice... to be heard and to be felt....

Quieten thy voice my EGO for my SOUL would like to communicate through me.... I understand that there is a great learning in this moment.

(original post is on http://deerao4eva.spaces.live.com/)

DeeMan

i have not met you... i don't know what it will be like to meet you... all i know for sure... well... is that you have touched my life.

i have always dreamed of perfection and been dejected at what i finally saw.... numerous expectations of myself have come crushing to the floor... it has taken a huge amount of courage against the odds created by ME... to reach this space... this place in time... there is a flutter in my stomach.

i guess you had me at 'Hello'... and the silence that followed... well 10 seconds seemed to last for a lifetime... and that lifetime... well... was way too long... all i wanted to do was to keep totally silent and listen... yet... all i did was talk too much... and listen to absolutely nothing. I guess i was afraid of you identifying the nervous breathing... and wondering what the hell this woman is all about :)

in all the years of being a free bird... all i wanted was for you to capture and put me in a cage :) ouch.... anyone reading this is going to wonder... whether the Dee they know is really the Dee that is writing this piece...

in every sense of the word.... i was awestruck... i just knew that there was someone special coming my way and that special someone was you. the conversation was so stimulating that i did not want it to end... if i could've helped it... well... i would've made sure it did not... and i know i wanted to talk to you so much more... everything you said made so much sense... without, at any point being judgemental or demeaning... or even authoritative. it is still taking time to sink in... i know that someday soon i will meet you in person... and that moment will be magical and that my entire life will take on a completely new dimension.

My thoughts will be clearer... and my actions will reflect your presence. My personna will temper down and my perspectives will change... my life will be a reflection of all its meant to be...

as i wait upon that day... with a twinkle in my eyes...

my heart's taking flight... into the infinite skies...

its the moment of truth.... when we meet face to face....

a moment to hold on to... with faith & lots of grace....

it is what i've been waiting for.... all my living years...

its the moment of sheer joy... for uncontrolable tears...

as the sun sets this day... we are but a day closer to being together....

i know that my dreams are real... i am waiting for only you, for me, there is no other...

"In death, we are reborn to life eternal"

Fr Paul A Cardoza : 1952-2005

He met our family in 1982-1983.... and was a part of us eversince...

The peace on his face said a million things...I am sharing a few thoughts that come to mind when i saw his face:

"Don't be sad for me.... I am now truly happy. I longed for you to reach out to me... and as long as i lived you said not a word that was good... now as i lie here... all of you have gathered to say wonderful things about me....where were all these words when I most needed them... you say you love me.... but what is it that you know of love.... your love is selfish and self serving...When i said "I love you" i meant it with my soul.... I lived for so long looking for a purpose... as soon as i found it... I found everything... and lost my breath.

Life for me was a series of rejections and judgements... Why did you not give me the freedom to be... Each of you wanted to mould me in your own cast... but because I was not willing you shunned me... and left me to suffer. "

The truth is .... every time mom thinks of her guitar.... she will remember him. Everytime we sisters decorate our home for Christmas... we will think of him... he taught us how to use things around the house and loads of cotton to give our home the Chritmas look. Everytime I buy crackers I will miss him... Everytime I play the keyboard I will think of him... he taught me the chords I know. Everytime I hear "Oh Holy Night" or sing it... I will think of him... I still remember the confidence he always had in my voice, esp when I was singing in church.

I guess everytime we get together : The D'Souza's, Cosme, Mark , Glenda, CS John & Joseph, Doreen, Uncle Eric & Aunty Promilla, Ignatius, Lucas, The Joseph family, Molly, The Chabra family, Gasper, Christopher... and all the others I may not remember by name.... but have been a part of the FAMOUS choir...We will all fondly remember him, each time we essay a four voice piece. Everytime we sing for a wedding...we will remember, every lesson we were taught.

He will continue to inspire us.... for he may have passed on ... but his spirit will linger on FOREVER in the choir he so loved and cherished

Enternal peace grant unto him oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him.... may his precious soul rest in PEACE.

In his own words : IF GOD IS FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST FOR THE SPIRIT OF GOD WILL SET US FREE.. Take time to listen.... don't rush

Deepa

A tribute to the memories I left back - ABRUPTLY

26th August 2005

When Michael, my boss okayed my going to Chennai for a meeting I was ecstatic.... don't kill me boss... for me it was life coming full circle... Chennai is where I lived with my family ... memories of which haunted my mind since the age of 5.... 23 years later I was going to return to the one place I knew as home... A place I left for a holiday to Delhi and never returned. A place that I knew would complete my smile.... a place called home... where, a happy family lived ... a place I still dream of when I'm lonely.

I finished my meeting at 2:30 in the afternoon and had but a one point agenda thereafter... to visit the places I've not been able to forget for 23 years.... places that are only a part of my memory... for all our pictures were rather unceremoniously thrown from the 3rd floor apartment we lived in....... I still remember the rockets that Aunty Eve bought me that year for Diwali.... 3 of which were left back... with the promise that I would return from my holiday and fire them.... My Book of Fairy tales... which I was asked not to carry with the fear that I may lose it..... but lil did I know that I would never see it again.... I did not even say Bye bye to my friends.... Maya & Madhu, with whom I spent most of my time after school. Mrs. Menon, my class teacher too... and yes the sand pit and the slides in school which were sooooo dear to me....

Anyway, I connected with a friend of mine in Chennai, Solomon, asked him to be my designated driver... and the journey began.....

MY FIRST HALT

Sathyanarayana Apartments.... where we lived on the third floor, a home from where you got a perfect view of 'Amma's' house ( the stone mansion of Jayalalitha) Mum tells me, that as a child I used to be invited over to the mansion ;) I don't think it was important enough for me to remember... ha ha ha ha
The place seemed a lot smaller than I remembered.... guess coz I was sooooo much shorter then... but it felt like home.... :) and was just as I remembered it... of course before we got there we were stopped by security personnel just outside Amma's house... and I had to explain to them WHO I WAS... had half the mind of telling them to inform Amma that I was in the vicinity... but TOOOO BIG to sit on her lap anymore ;)

The water tank ..... where we used to sit on our custom poufs.... i.e. Roopa & I... was still just the same.... (You can check out the pictures of Chennai in the album on my page)

HALT 2

Marina Beach Mom told me we used to spend a lot of time here.... playing in the sand and enjoying the water..... so I stopped by.... to say SalaamNamaste..... It felt like there was a part of me that felt totally welcome there.... but there was another part that simply felt like a stranger..... It was yesterday welcoming me with open arms... and today asking WHO ARE YOU? I wonder what life would've been like had I grown up by the sea....? The pain, returned... as a tribute to the memories that were stolen from me..... as a reminder of a life that was snatched away..... A memory that was longing to return from the secret place of my mind.... aching to bring every person who stole it away from me to books.... struggling to update itself to the present.... but snuggly enjoying the past......

HALT 3......

Shishya This part of the journey actually gave way to the uncried tears and the unresolved and unaccounted for past that I so wanted to make my peace with..... the only real memories I had of school.... was the fact that there were a couple of slides.. which I loved to play on..... there was a sandpit just outside my class.... and if you can manage to visualise the place with my eyes you will also see my classroom and my teacher Mrs. Menon. As I walked in.... there was a strange excitement building in my stomach.... it was like life was coming full circle.... and yes I was excited....:)
Since, I do not remember even one word of Tamil.... I had to use a mix of Hindi/English/Sign language to get the watchman to understand that I used to be in this school 23 years back... and was just wanting to see my class.... :) he seemed to understand and took me to meet Mr. Prabhakaran.... :) Luckily... Mr. Prabhakaran spoke English.... uff...was I relieved.... here is when my journey really was complete.....:)

When I told Mr. Prabhakaran that I used to be in this school 23 years back and today I had come to Chennai and so wanted to visit my first school..... He stopped me and asked my name.... when I said Deepanjali.... he said..... "Don't you remember me?" I looked sheepishly at him and said "I am sorry sir.... I only remember my classroom, the slides, the sandpit and Mrs. Menon”. "don't you remember Mrs. Cherian? You were her favourite student" all could do was smile.....:) what followed was a walk around the campus.... stories about my time in school, an introduction to what all had changed in 23 years... my famous performance on stage and the fact that I was a child who everybody remembered and missed tooo since they did not get a chance to say bye.... everything was so abrupt and one day they saw me no more..... he so wanted me to stay back and meet the NOW principal of the school. We also discussed Madhu & Maya for a bit ... the school had changed drastically from my memories of it... I even called Mum, to get her to say "hello" to Mr. Prabhakaran and they got into their own conversations about other parents... Mrs. Badami et al. He then invited me to his home on the campus and excitedly introduced me to his family.
It was astonishing and humbling... the very fact that someone still remembered me, by name.... I was only 4 years old then.... It brought a tear to my eyes.... he then walked me to my waiting car... we exchanged numbers and a promise to keep in touch.... He has also promised to get me some pictures of mine that will be in their archives.... :)

As I sat in the car and headed towards the airport to catch my flight back to Delhi.... I knew, that I had made my peace with my past.... in a miniscule way.... by re visiting and paying respect to the memories of Deepa ( 1976- 1981). 14th November 1981 took away so much from me..... which 26th August 2005 took me back to.... to complete the unfinished.

Life : takes you back.... before it leads you forward....

The silver lining..

When I walked through the past... firmly guided by faith, I saw no reason to want to hold back my tears at the miracles I’ve been granted and the miracles I have been a part of. There are times today that needing an insight is only but a way to be the person that I am in a world that is so filled with nothing and heading to nowhere.

There is a restlessness in the soul to reach out to the real reason for being born… there are messages that strongly suggest that all that has happened so far has happened for the very best and all that is happening is guided, even though each day may seem like a challenge that is easy to fail at… there is an assurance in heaven… that everything is, as is was meant to be. Heaven has a message for me and the message is love.

In moments of deep despair I turn to communicate to my Maker and my miracles are upon me. In sharing what all I have received in faith, the Spirit of the living God fills my being with the knowledge & wisdom I need to get past the moment of doubt with flying colours. There is never a day in which I do not feel his presence in my being a presence that is so wonderful so communicative so precious.

What we have been told to look for

“The silver lining around every grey cloud… in faith however, all you see well… IS, the silver lining.”

Faith

when we walk on the PATH.. the PATH guides our footsteps... there is a sense of magic as we walk the distance... knowing not the distance to be travelled... yet taking each step and facing each barrier with the confidence that the ONE who leads knows the PATH best.



faith is the strongest partner and faith is the firm conditioner

DeePost: Written but never mailed

I want to share a letter I wrote 3 years back... mailed it to a friend to read... but never mailed it to the person i wrote it for... strange but true... when this letter was mailed back to me a couple of days ago... i read it an smiled :) damn i really write well ;) I am looking back at that moment... and all the love that i felt for this person... but i don't think that i ever really shared these thoughts at all. They were simply with me... I don't think I've ever let him know how I truly felt about him. The only thing i know for sure... well... we are still friends... and maybe if he reads this... he will know... and now that I have found a way to share it... well I have eliminatedone more hallucination :)

Hey!

I have been thinking about this for a while now.......... I have been wondering whether or not I am on the right track......... I have asked myself a million questions......... spent long hours just seeking answers for each of those questions.

You are the mirror of my soul, you have urged me to see me and believe in me. Someone who at all times brings out the very best in me. Someone who made me believe in love at first sight.......... someone who made me belive that all dreams can be realised that every dark cloud has a silver lining............ Someone in whose eyes I could see all the love and the positive energy that I needed to get me through life. Some one who loved me enough to correct what is wrong in me......... someone who communicated every thought on his mind........ someone with whom I could relate to so easily....... more so you were someone who is practical and real. Someone with whom growing old would be an experience. ( Believe me......... I am so nervous right now...... I do not know what to write)

I know that I am not the most perfect person that God created.......... there are a lot of things I need to improve on............ starting with some of my habits actually quite a lot of them........... : )

I know that the future is not all clear cut.......... there will be moments when we will look back and wish we had taken a decision differently. When people from our past will knock on the door of our hearts and beckon us back. When there will be more attractive packages so beautifully wrapped and presented that it will be easy for us to wonder WHAT we saw in each other.

I know that as we grow older our needs will change....... we will become more reserved in our thoughts and less affectionate in our actions.......... we may even want to spend a lot of moments alone contemplating....... the chilrens future

I know that down the line we will have days when we are too busy with our own thoughts to even realise that we need to be there for each other.........

I want to grow old loving you........ being there by your side.......... knowing that you are there......... growing old with me. I want you to be the father of my chilren........ I want to make each of the dreams that we have ever dreamt since the day we met come true........... I want to love you and pamper you as long as I live.

All I know is that from the day that I met you.......... I fell in love with you, something inside me had made up it's mind that you were all that it wanted that you were all that it needed and it did keep prompting me from time to time. Whenever I thought of another man............ it would ask me questions like WOULD HE DO IT THIS WAY? WHAT WOULD HE DO IN A SIMILAR SITUATION?

Whenever I thought that you were meant for her not me.......... and I prayed that my heart would be able to stop loving you............... I just fell more in love with you.

When you called me up to tell me about the woman you have fallen in love with.......... my heart broke and i thought I had lost you forever......... and i prayed to God and said........... If she loves him more than I .......... If she makes him happier than I................ I will not even bring up the topic of us........... I cried and hurt but I let go............ believe me......... it was so hard............ coz something deep within just kept saying don't give up.......... But I said to myself..............

He loves her not me........... he wants her not me............ he just does not love me or want me at all. He has become less communicative......... less in touch and absolutely NOT in love with me. Each day I would pray to love you less but still be there for you.

When I thought of you I realised that you were all I had ever dreamed of in a man........... you were the perfect 10 man in my life and I felt blest that you were a part of my life at all. I said to myself.........even if he spends all of his life with someone else loving her and being with her ........... i should not be greedy....... I know that he has spent sometime loving me ( I have been trying to complete this mail for the last 4 hours.......)

But when we met........... I realised that the love was still there............ that God gave us a day to go down memory lane........... and believe me.......... that day you asked me atleast a couple of times where I was lost and what I was thinking.......... you were trying to remind me of moments that we spent in each of those places..... and believe me............. all my heart was telling me.......... was " See.......... each of those moments are fresh in his memory too........ ". I knew every moment and remember every second of the time I have spent with you.......... The way I feel when I am with you............. is something that keeps me positive till I meet you again.

I do not know what you have on your mind or in your heart......... I do not know what you have planned for your future.......... I hope you are not laughing or choking................... it is very difficult to know that there is a chance for rejection...........

But I know that I would be honoured if you would grow old with me.................... holding my hand in yours as we walk to the sunset......... coz I feel like I was born to be with you.............. I hope that you feel the same way too.................................Dee

PS Forgive the clutter.............. just that there is soooooooooooooo much I want to ell you............ but am running out of time today................ Love you

DeeRelease

i wish i could've composed my profile as this.... intended to be a testimonial.... well but could well be the very identification of the personna of Dee.... well incase you have lost who Dee is... well dats ME :)

orkut has brought some really priceless people into my life and one of them wrote this... all i know... is that it makes me feel precious and had to get a prized place on my blogs :) i do not know what the motivation or the reason why he sat up till 0600hrs to write this... but well... i sure think its a masterpiece :)

if i were to ever make a grand entry in Press... trust me when i tell you, this just maybe the way the Press Release will read... and yes... Rahil will be my PR manager... :)

"Her 'LIFE', a complete screenplay and She, its 'DIRECTOR'.... Every decision she takes.. unfolds something, something so 'Special'. And this story, dear viewers, aint neva goin off 'SCREENS'.

She invests time.... on herself, the quality of which turns superior just by the mere thought of 'D.Rao' forming its contents.

A 'Winner' all the way... she's tried to reduce the pace (considerate her), but cant help it anymore, as she's now, habituated to the fact that, 'IT', now, comes to 'HER' naturally n this old habbit of her's aint dying at all.

The most simplified 'Crowd Puller' that ever set foot. Attracts 18 to a dozen n then finds herself loving every moment of 'Centre Stage'. The 'Attraction' - She's in total 'LOVE' with, the 'CROWD' - (created thereby), She loathes.

*** 'Miracles' happen, they CANNOT be created..... So, Dont stop, cause 'YOU', my DEAR, have witnessed one, right NOW. A miracle in 'HER'. ***"

DeeMoral of the story

unless we eliminate the rest how can we illuminate deeOne


in the midst of tears that seemed to simply roll down without asking any questions, there was a ray of light in the words that echoed through...."unless we eliminate the rest how can we illuminate deeOne"

in that one sentence the perspective changed, there is someone who is looking out for me, loving me, watching out for me. There is a gentleness in the way he communicates and tells me my tears are but a way to clear my eyes of the glare that will accompany the illumination of deeOne. he told me gently, in almost a whisper, "my little one, you are way too precious to me. your heart is pure and easily hurt. love is pure and precious and easily hurts. deeOne i have chosen for you has a heart & mind as pure as yours"

the tears of saddness turned to tears of joy, every heartache is a reason to rejoice, every elimination simply means, one hallucination less to deal with and a notch closer to deeOne. the time and the heartaches will truly depend on the number of people i've built my hallucinations around :)

DeeMoral: Faith is... keeping your focus on the voice of your soul, for your soul is your mirror, like no other :)

Stamps….. Moments that define your destiny

It takes a definitive moment to change every belief that we have held true, from the day we breathed our first and all the intermediate breaths we took, in awe & amazement of life.

With every breath, our soul evolved, learnt a new way to deal with the facts we were being fed… a new path to being the people we were meant to be and knowing all the things… in retrospect, did serve us well at the time.

There are moments when all that we are and may ever wish to be comes together… a memory. A memory, based on the emption that it evokes, could make you smile or frown. But every memory is part of your evolution… a part of who you really are … esp at those times when there is no one around.

The soul, the silent observer, knows the path that the soul takes and knows where our lives are headed… it waits for a moment to manifest its presence in our lives…